Newsletter June 2010

****New Contact Details****

Our new telephone number is 08455280322

Our new Postal address is

Fife Sands, PO Box 29210, Dunfermline KY12 2BS

Support Group Meetings

25th June Seal House Dunfermline 7.30 – 10pm

30th July TBC

27th August Seal House Dunfermline 7.30 – 10pm

24th September TBC

Next Pregnancy Support Group

If you would like support during a subsequent pregnancy, please check the website for up to date information.

If you have any contributions for the next edition, please submit them to the sands office by 30th August 2010

Fife Sands

PO Box 29210

Dunfermline

KY12 2BS

www.fifesands.co.uk fife-sands@tiscali.co.uk 08455280322 Registered Charity Number 299679

Scottish Network Day 2010

We hosted the annual Network Day on 15th May at East End Park in Dunfermline. It was well attended by people from Dumfries to Aberdeen and everywhere in between. After initial housekeeping we started off with a short poem while we lit the candle of remembrance which stayed lit throughout the day. Jenny then took us through her experience of losing Ryan and Adam – it was very emotional, as any parent's story is, and we thank Jenny for her courage and strength in reliving everything once more. Jenny was followed by Christine who spoke of her experiences as a midwife and why she decided to train as a bereavement counsellor. She went on to talk about the pilot project we are working on to provide a bereavement support midwife and a Pregnancy after Loss Clinic within the hospital.

Sue Hale, Group Development Officer from National spoke of developments within the organisation and plans for the future.

We then had a long break for coffee while everyone had a chance to network and see what other groups had brought along to display. I think from feedback that everyone was really taken with some of the memory boxes on display there and this is something we will be taking back to Forth Park.

Following a presentation from Daksha Patel, Frae Fife, on Diversity, Clare led an interactive session on Sharing Best Practice, giving groups to discuss with others what they felt they did well.

After a buffet lunch, Debbie did a presentation on the loss of a Twin, Twins or more, drawing a lot from her own experience. Debbie suggested useful things to check hospitals offered and explained the complex grief issues when grieving for a baby while celebrating the birth of their sibling.

Mark Evans did a very highly rated presentation on “Caring for the Spirit”.

Our last speaker of the day was John Heggie from CHAS who gave us an insight into the work the fundraisers do for the organisation. Again, this seemed to go down well, with the groups full of new ideas on how to raise their profiles as well as funds.

After a short coffee break, there was a question and answer session. Finally, using our copper tree as a centrepiece, we invited everyone to write a message and/or their baby's name on the wings of an origami crane, a symbol of peace. While Clare's Aunty Monica sang “Because I Knew You” from the stage musical Wicked, the cranes were exchanged for a token from the tree, a small glass tile with a red star or heart in the centre – a wee reminder of the day.

Thank you to all the committee who worked so hard to put together such a successful day.

Annual Balloon Release

Our annual balloon release and family picnic will be held on Sunday 20th June at Lochore Meadows. The day starts at 12 with the balloons released at 2pm. All family and friends are welcome to join us for this family day out.

Donations

£132 from Wendy who ran the Edinburgh Big Fun Run last October

£90.04 from Rachael who organised a Bakesale in February in memory of Cameron. This was 25% of the total raised, the remainder going to National – that must have been a lot of cakes!!!

£200 from Bosch Rexroth Limited Scotland

£44.60 from Methil Baby & Toddlers in memory of Nairn

Office Move

As mentioned in previous newsletters, we are on the look-out for new office premises. We felt that it was important that we could be easily contacted and as we can't guarantee we will always be in the same place we have put new systems in place. Firstly, we now have a lo-call phone number, meaning that calls are charged at the standard local rate. This is also a virtual switchboard, which means that it will contact various phone numbers of the committee to answer the call, reducing the number of calls that go unanswered. As we are all volunteers, many of us working and/or having young families, we will still have a voicemail facility in place should no-one be available to take the call.

We have also set up a PO Box for all our mail, although for the time being we can still receive mail at the hospital. As the mail to the PO Box is then diverted to a committee members house, it should speed up any replies.

Services of Remembrance

Advance notice of the dates for the services of remembrance for this year.

August 22nd Education Centre, Queen Margaret Hospital, at 1pm led by Mark Evans.

The Christmas Family Service has proved to be so popular in recent years, we have outgrown the Education Centre. The minister from St Andrew Erskine Parish Church behind the hospital on Robertson Road has kindly agreed to let us have the use of the church on 12th December. The service will be led by Mark Evans.

Ian McDonald has accepted a new job in Switzerland so will shortly be leaving NHS Fife. We wish him well and thank him warmly for all he has done during his time caring for bereaved parents within the hospital, from blessing our precious babies, to helping us say goodbye at their funerals.

The Cameron Cup

Mike and Cathy have organised a fundraiser in memory of their son, Cameron. This is a golfing event, to be held on 20th August on The Bruce Course at Kinross Golf Club. The competition will be a four man team event with Longest Drive, Shortest Drive and Nearest the Pin prizes. The entry fee is £200 per team which includes

There will also be a charity raffle and auction with all proceeds going to Fife Sands, towards our pilot project for a bereavement support midwife within the hospital.

Some places are available for the evening meal, raffle and auction, tickets priced at £25.

For further information email us and we will pass it on.

Challenge Scotland

On Sunday 6th June, I set off from home at 6.30am to set up the gazebo for Sands Scottish Network at the Challenge Scotland event at Holyrood Park in Edinburgh. Being way too early in the morning for me, I failed to notice that the weather had changed from the blistering heat of the previous day and set of minus a fleece or waterproof!

Along with Marion and Iain, we set up the gazebo, ready to welcome all those hardy volunteers who had signed up to walk or run for Sands. It was cold. It was wet.

In the 5km run which set off at 9.30am we had 6 runners, all supporting Fife Sands. My very grateful thanks (and admiration) to Andrew who came in the top 10, closely followed by his brother-in-law Steven, running in memory of Andrew and Kerry's daughter, Holly. Within minutes, our very own Jenny was sprinting across the line with her friend Joanna, running in memory of Jenny & Patrick's twins, Ryan and Adam. Jenny and Jo were closely followed by Craig and Mike, running in memory of Mike and Cathy's son Cameron. All 6 completed the run in under 30 minutes which was amazing considering the torrential downpour and steep hill!

In the later events – all walks of varying lengths – there were 35 walkers, including 3 children, who battled the weather to show their support. They came from Arbroath, Tayside, Ayrshire & Forth Valley, and were all grateful for the shelter provided by our gazebo when they finished.

Child Bereavement Study Day, When a Baby or Child dies – Supporting Families

I recently attended a Study Day for supporting parents when a child or baby dies. It was well attended and had a range of different professionals attending such as counsellors, midwives, paediatric doctors, chaplains and charity workers.

The main reason for me attending was to support Clare who was doing the parent story but also I wanted to further develop my skills as a befriender for Sands as well as keeping a parent’s point of view in mind at the workshops. (Purely with a view to helping the professionals).

We heard from three speakers in the morning followed by workshops and two more speakers in the afternoon. The first speaker Julia Samuel, founder patron and trustee of Child Bereavement Charity; was extremely interesting and very poignant. Her presentation on Supporting Parents following bereavement when a baby or child dies was in my opinion an accurate account of what grieving parents/families require. She talked about the video recall a lot of parents have following the death of their baby/child. This certainly rings true for me personally and I can also relate to this as a befriender when hearing a parent’s recollections. With this in mind she spoke to the professionals dealing with the parents/families explaining that a look or throw away remark may stay with a parent for life and if they could keep this in mind it would be helpful. Unfortunately due to time restraints her presentation was cut short but she was well received by all.

Clare spoke next and was an obvious hit. She spoke honestly about the care she received during her loss of Alfie and her subsequent care during her next two pregnancies. Clare also raved about Sands and the support ‘we’ gave her and her family. She had the audience in tears with her sincere account. It was important to set the scene clearly as to why it is vital the professionals get it right when dealing with bereaved parents/families. Clare’s story was spot on and I would like to say a big well done to her. It is not easy addressing a lecture theatre full of professionals with your personal account and she did it admirably especially being so heavily pregnant and emotionally fragile.

The next presentation was by Ian McDonald and Ishfaq Mohammed. Ian spoke of the spiritual care needs for bereaved parents in a multi cultural society in a general nature and then Ishfaq spoke specifically about the Islamic perspective. He spoke about their views on child bereavement, post mortem and their views on funerals. He was able to answer questions in relation to us (Sands) getting literature translated and how best we support women of Islam.

The two workshops were interesting and allowed many opportunities for all to be involved. When questions were asked they were answered honestly and good relevant discussions took place. I attended the workshops titled “Difficult decisions – supporting parents when pregnancy loss is due to foetal abnormality” and “Death in a paediatric and neonatal setting and supporting grieving families”. In my role as befriender I found the first workshop on loss relating to foetal abnormality the most interesting and helpful. It highlighted the enormous sense of guilt that families feel at this time. Due to the nature of the cohort attending there were also discussions about ‘leakage’ of emotion from the professional to the parents/families and how one’s own prejudices can affect one’s professional performances. Personally, I did not fully understand that terminations were not only for life limiting illnesses but also for more general abnormalities so I feel this, in itself, was an education for me. As a befriender it is vital that all parents are welcomed to the group and that we can support all who have lost a baby and realise the difficulties in making decisions such as this and the guilt associated. The second workshop was again relevant. It did however go off at a tangent and most of the discussion centred on the new rules/laws relating to a baby dying suddenly. Midwives were keen to allow parents time with the baby to say goodbye and have photos taken etc but (it is my understanding from what was said) representatives from the police were taking the party line and not allowing this to happen due to the nature of their investigations.

Finally, the afternoon sessions were from the Procurator Fiscal, Mr Robertson and Dr Margaret Evans, a paediatric pathologist from NHS Lothian. Due to my inexperience in these areas much of what was said went over my head from these speakers. However, Dr Evans presentation titled “Paediatric post mortem – communicating with grieving families” focussed solely on stillbirth. She highlighted the public’s perceptions on post mortem, the need to get post mortem for research and on placentas and that she is working hard to change the way in which post mortems are communicated to families. She said there was no need for any parent to have full notes and that they should be issued with post mortem notes in plain English. This was not to ‘dumb’ down but to be sympathetic to the families needs.

Overall my summary would be to say that I had an enjoyable yet emotional day, which was definitely worthwhile.

Jennifer

Inverkeithing & Dalgety Bay Rotary Club

I was invited by Robin Park from the Inverkeithing and Dalgety Bay Rotary Club to join them for their lunch at the Queensferry Hotel on the 26th May 2010. I was the guest speaker at the lunch and spoke to approximately 40 members of the club about the history of Fife Sands, my personal experience of losing my son, Charlie, and becoming involved with Fife Sands. I thanked them for their kind donation last year of £500 and told them how we spend any donations received and what our plans are for the future. I was very nervous beforehand, having never spoken in public, but afterwards many of the members thanked me and took leaflets away with them. It was a great pleasure to represent Fife Sands and for our charity to be recognised within the local community. Kathryn

Baby Gardens

We are pleased to report that the statue at Dunfermline Crematorium has finally been replaced. We do apologise for the unacceptable length of time this has taken, but this was due to circumstances out with our control.

We are also pleased to report that work has finally started on redesigning the baby garden at Dunfermline Cemetery. The burial area will be extended, the flagstones and monoblock removed, and the headstones moved to create more space. We have a further meeting this week, once the remedial clearance work has been carried out, to ensure the next stage happens as smoothly as possible. Rest assured that the burial area will remain undisturbed throughout the works and apologise for any inconvenience or upset this may cause. If you would like to discuss this further, please do not hesitate to get in touch.

A new headstone is being erected at Kirkcaldy crematorium. We had hoped that this would be in place by now, but unfortunately the foundations were not put in correctly which has caused a slight delay.

Like Snowflakes by Sue Young

Like Snowflakes on a sunny day, like tissue on a flame

your time with us ephemeral, you left just as you came

You crept into our consciousness, left handprints on our heart

As your future turned into your past, an end with scarce a start

Like blossom blown from spring-time trees, or dew dried by the sun

Your chance to run life's marathon, stopped at the starting gun.

You touched our lives so briefly, you looked then turned away

Yet the impact of your presence stays with us every day

Like fantasies flee from the truth, or dreams fragment each morn

As hopes become reality, your sun set upon its dawn.

But you were, and so you are, our child, our precious one,

Our baby cradled in our hearts, our stars. Our moon, our sun.

Like a snatch of divine harmony, or fragrance in the air

or sunset greyed to darkness, in your absence you're still there.

Birthday Wishes

Remembering all our babies, particularly those whose birthdays are approaching.

We hope these days pass peacefully for you.

Ailsa, Belinda, Casey & Daisy

06/08/09

Ellie

13/08/09

Nathan

15/08/02

Jennifer

28/08/00

Molly

30/08/08

Holly

14/09/05

Lewis

15/09/02

Marcie

24/09/05

Erin Jane

27/09/05

Lennon

09/10/09

Gregor

12/10/06

Farah

13/10/09

Lucy Anne

14/10/06

Eden

14/10/09

Zoe

15/10/09

Liam

26/10/00

Belle

29/10/08

TIME

It’s true that he’s always in the back of my mind. But he’s not always on my mind.

When I think of him now, I remember him warmly. I rarely cry anymore out of hurt or anger.

But there are times when something can throw me right back to that very day.

And the depths of my feelings of loss and pain once again equal the depth of my love for him.

And I cry. And I hurt. But it reminds me all the more that he will always be my child, part of my life, and that he’s special enough to care about.

Time has healed me. But time has not made me forget.